Helpful Hints

A great way to get out bloodstains: hydrogen peroxide.
What I have on my jeans right now: bloodstains.
What we don't have in the office first-aid kit: peroxide.
Damn.

-Bleeding Cunt Murphy

Tonight's Episode of the Bloodening

Here is a sample of tonight's after-dinner conversation with my boyfriend, the Bear. (I shall call him that not because of some stupid, cutesy nickname like Pooh-Bear, but because he is truly ursine. He is furry and eats honey and berries for breakfast. I kid you not. We currently have over seven pounds of honey in our cabinets.) But I digress. Our conversation:


Me: Now, what are we going to do about this chocolate situation? As in there's no chocolate in my belly.
Him: But you just had ice cream.
Me: But I'm periodal. I need chocolate.
Him: Of course you do.
Me: I know! I'll have sprinkles on bread!
Him: ...
Me: Well, the Dutch do it all time. Of course I'm not Dutch, but whatever. It's a good custom.

-Bleeding Cunt Murphy